Some Days I Just Want to Rip My Arms Off and Beat Myself With Them

You ever have those days when you think you're speaking plain and articulate English, but that it must be coming out in some language you picked up when you were abducted by aliens and taken to their home galaxy, because the person you are speaking to just isn't effin' getting it? Well, I had one of those days.

I have an employee. We'll call her Pain In the Ass (PIA for short) who I speak to all the time about showing up to her job when I schedule her, not when she feels like strolling in. I have this talk with her at least once a week. I know, I know, you're thinking, "Why the hell do you keep her?" I ask myself that very question every effin' day. Might be because I have no one to replace her with and unfortunately, while she's a huge pain in MY ass, a lot of her clients thinks PIA walks on water. So, for their sakes, I have been holding on (somewhat) to my temper, but I am just about done.

Her native language is Spanish. Pia's been here over 25 freakin' years, but she still has a hard time grasping the language, especially over the phone. Not to say that she doesn't know what's going on. Ohhhhh no. She just uses her lack of "proper" English to pretend she doesn't understand exactly what I'm trying to say. I have seriously thought about getting my spiel translated, just so I can yell at her in a different language, because my native tongue ain't working. I'm sure it's very difficult to understand the concept, "If you are going to be late or not show up to work you must call me immediately." Yeah, it's really an existential thought that requires much deliberating.

So, here it is in Spanish. I have a rudimentary knowledge from High School and College days. I can understand it better than I can speak it, but I think I can stumble admirably through, "Si usted va a ser tarde o no demostracion hasta trabajo usted debe llamarme inmediatamente." That's pretty wordy and if I remembered my lessons better I could shorten that considerably, but it'll do the job.

Please feel free to share your own PIA story. I know I'm not the only one, eh?